Talking about feelings

Try to reach an understanding of how this child and family manage feelings.

The main ones to focus on are anger, fear and sadness.

Ask

• How would I know if you were angry? What about Dad? Your brother?
• Some kids go quiet when they are sad. What about you?
• What does it feel like in your body when you feel scared?
• Who gets most worried when you are upset, mum, dad or someone else?
• Most people have one or more feelings that they feel less comfortable with. For me it’s anger. I don’t like it when people get angry. What about you?

Usually children and families have ‘blind spots’ or feelings they avoid. Depression can be about avoiding uncomfortable feelings.

Remember, the child may not be expressing their feelings in a straightforward way. We often see frightened children who appear angry.

Be prepared to make a guess of what the underlying feeling might be.

For example, a child with a serious disability who is acting cross is likely to be experiencing shame, sadness and/or fear.

The feelings triangle is a way to explain to kids and families how feelings sometimes get mixed up: